Denise recently made the observation that we had found in our relationship what many folks search for all their lives - we arrived at a state of loving and being loved absolutely many years ago. Anything else is just icing on the cake. I think we lost sight of the enormity of this blessing and got sidetracked in looking for happiness in the places that the marketing messages tell us to look, i.e. the wrong places.
This simple but profound observation was the catalyst for a fairly major shift in context that has made my life much happier. I had been looking at my life and situation and saying, "My job is really challenging and taking up too much of my energy and I am not where I want to be with money so life kind of sucks, but at least my marriage and family life are good." But I have flipped this around now and my context is, "I have an amazing marriage and relationships with my wife and kids that are very rare in their harmoniousness and this brings me a huge amount of joy and fulfillment, and my career and finances could be improved on."
This shift has come to be known between Denise and I as The Big Switch. Both because it was kind of like flipping switch to go from a default state of unhappiness and stress to one of happiness and flow (the stress is not completely gone, but we are just giving it less power.) And it is Big because it really has had a profound impact on our day-to-day lives. Just by making a conscious choice moment to moment to look at things from a place of joy and acceptance has made everything much better for me in so many areas – my work no longer feels so onerous and no longer gets me so angered or stressed out, my already joyful interactions with Denise have gone to a new level of richness and, dare I say, giddiness, I am enjoying my time with my kids more, rediscovering old sources of enjoyment, etc…
I wish that I could easily put my finger on why The Big Switch was flipped to the Joy position at this particular time but I think that this will probably remain among the life mysteries to be accepted and embraced as a mystery. I do see a bit of a trajectory leading up to the Switch, though. I think that making a consistent practice of being grateful for what I have helped me to repeatedly remind myself of what is good and working and not constantly wallow in the crappier stuff. And I owe Denise gratitude for helping me to stick to this practice, and I hope that I have done the same for her. Also, Denise and I reached a turning point in terms of our interactions around money. I believe this was the last holdout of truly angry and bitter feelings between us and some sort of surrender / healing / letting go / meeting of minds occurred in the last couple of months. This new concord has dispersed a good deal of negative energy on both of our parts.
And the nice thing about approaching things from a happier place is that I know that I am not going to just be resigned and put up with my job and the things that don't work for me about it, but I am coming from a much more positive place as I look for other options, or ways to transform where I am into something better. And I am using my renewed appreciation for my family and marriage as a springboard to leave behind unhelpful behaviors that have me trying to find happiness in materially-based lifestyle choices that I cannot afford.
She Said
Yes, it’s been a year since we blogged.
The best part of the Big Switch is that Max is a happier man. I’m still having a hard time trusting that it will be a permanent change, but I think once a light goes on in your head, it’s hard to turn it off. It was important to me that we document this event in our blog to re-read if we ever feel like we need reminding.
An old friend of mine told me recently that a gem of wisdom I told him changed his life once. I don’t often embrace my inner wisdom because it sometimes feels simple and a little Forest Gump-ish, but in this case I can really see what speaking my crazy thoughts did – especially for someone I love so dearly.
The Big Switch thought occurred to me one evening as we were driving to get dinner while waiting for the girls in opera rehearsal. I said to Max “What if we’ve been living the life we always dreamed of and weren’t paying attention? What if the ultimate want/desire of everyone, even if they don’t know it, is to be loved? Love being at the height of enlightenment. “ I went on, “What if we found that love way back all those years ago at that incredibly memorable moment at 3am under the stars and we’ve been searching for something else - always somewhere in the future? If we just had a house. If we just could take a trip to Europe. If we just had a million bucks. “ I then went into a rambling monologue, my favorite kind, about Homo sapiens and consciousness – becoming aware that we exist. At some point Mr or Mrs Sapien learned the concepts of future and past (and started forgetting how to live in the present I might add). Survival became easier. We didn’t have to worry so much about lions, tigers and bears eating us. Food was easier to come by. We made ourselves warmer shelters. We’ve evolved so much that we’re able to shoot ourselves off the planet. BUT love is what everyone is searching for. Love and acceptance. Well….. the ranting was much better in person. My stories don’t always have the same ring to them when I re-tell.
My simple idea that love is the height of enlightenment seemed to strike a chord with Max and with myself. We sat with that idea for a while. The next day I had a new man on my hands. Holy Cow. Every time he called me he sounded happy. He’s started playing his guitar again, and is even learning new songs. His job doesn’t seem to bug him as much either. We remembered that moment. We have it. We’ve had IT all these years. Bills, diapers, work, dishes just covered over it.
Max – You didn’t include this – it’s funny. Here’s hoping you find your Big Switch and flip it to the Happy side!
