Partners vs Cowboys

Denise Said

I hate it when we fight, not that our stressed moment was a full blown fight like in yesteryear. Of course this tense, curt moment was about the same thing – money. I feel better, a little, knowing that money is the number one issue couples fight over. (Oprah Magazine said so anyway.) I am happy to say we have moved forward in our arguing technique and recognized its pattern and stop ourselves from going too deep into the throes of blame, yelling, and stomping off. We have been trying hard to not go into our same old pattern and I knew when I started this little fight I shouldn’t have been talking about this issue in 1) the dark 2 )lying in bed, or 3) when we’re tired. We both agreed a couple of years ago to discuss finances 1) sitting up 2) not in our bedroom, and 3) emotions checked at the door.

The next morning I was still annoyed and got up quickly and left the room. You went into your office. We had taken our corners. I sat downstairs for a while in the quiet and thought. I just let the quiet seep into me, and re-thought about my issues. I decided I needed to communicate in some way with you so I made you a cup of tea, my usual white flag, and brought it upstairs to you, said, “Good Morning. We’ll talk later.” You smiled an appreciative smile and I left, starting to feel the healing happening between us already.

We talked later that day, or else the next morning, it’s all a blur now, but we were sitting up and downstairs. I was able to say what I needed to say without blame or emotions blocking my words. You heard me and we felt like partners again instead of cowboys ready for high noon wondering who was going to be gunned down first.

Later I was reminded of something helpful that Liz Gilbert wrote in her new book Committed. She, and her then fiancé, Jose, were traveling around Bali. He was under great stress about being deported and they were awaiting news when he could come back into the States so they could get married. They started arguing on a bus and shortly into the argument Jose, a seasoned man in his 50s, said something like this to Liz. “Let’s be very careful what we say in the next few minutes. Let’s not say anything we’ll regret.” The quiet power of saying less. It gives our emotions time to settle down and our mind silence to regroup our thoughts, and reconsider what’s really important - being right or accepting each other.

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Max Said

I think our tiff is yet another great example of how we shape our own reality. On the one hand when we attempted to discuss the financial issue in front of us with charged emotions and from a perspective of being right, it was an extremely negative, divisive moment that left us both feeling isolated, misunderstood and underappreciated. When we were able to let things sit, remove the emotion and come a place of mutual acceptance, we supported each other to move through the issue and grow. The issue did not change, but our thoughts and way of being around it certainly did.

I am coming to understand that making these shifts in perspective, and coming from a place of gratitude and acceptance are at the core of a successful relationships. Indeed, these tools are also an important part of having a fulfilled and happy life. I think that when you care deeply about another person and have built the foundation of trust, gently nudging each other through these paradigm shifts is what makes a relationship not only functional but an engine for positive growth for both partners. We are blessed to have reached this point and to have this benefit.

Without a loving life partner, I would think it would be much harder to see outside one’s personal box at times. Without the mirror of your words and reactions, I would not have easily seen how I was playing out a self-sabotaging script around money. We will go much further as partners than we would as lone cowboys :)