Denise Said
I have so much to say. Where to start? I’ll just dive in and start blabbing. This week’s Facebook thread of a status update that I made several days ago is still going on. I made a comment about how I had overheard an argument between a man and a woman in town and the man couldn’t get a word in edgewise because the woman was cursing him out. I didn’t stay to listen but left feeling sad that I hear these kinds of one-sided fights so often. The whole thing felt yucky for the man who sat and just took what was dealt to him. So in my Born-on-the-Day-of-the-Outspoken-Spokesperson-May 8th frame of mind, which comes easily to me, I made the comment on Facebook saying that women need to lay off men and appreciate their good qualities instead. There was no response at first except from Fred wishing I had a sister who wasn’t taken. I didn’t check Facebook for a couple days being away in Selinsgrove for Grandma’s 90th birthday. When I did, what a lot of responses were in the thread! Some women got my point, some didn’t, and probably won’t. Some were very adamant about how wrong I was and wrote several times. I was wishing as I read the responses that I had a brilliant anecdote to share from Alison Armstrong’s relationship call that Karen and I went on a couple weeks ago. Alison Armstrong, relationship guru, talked about how a couple still can be on their honeymoon after many years of marriage, how many women are Frog Farmers and turn Princes into Frogs, and how men are just great! When I went on a website of hers and read an article she wrote I was blown away by something a friend of hers told her when she was starting her journey of balancing the feminine and masculine within herself. The friend said, “I'm not asking this for you. I'm asking you to stop castrating men because I believe when women stop castrating men, men will give us everything we ever wanted. Including peace and the end of hunger."
I have within myself this yearning to make the world a better place and many passions in which to do that: my passion for family, my passion for homeschooling, my passion of childbirth, my passion of creating a home, and most importantly my passion for you and our marriage. I have so much to share about my passion for you, and how we created a happy marriage. I just don’t know always how to go about sharing it verbally and sometimes it comes out all wrong.
All the hard work I’ve done to change how I am in the marriage came into play Saturday morning when you said you couldn’t go to Selingsgrove to see Grandma. The work emergency that kept you up all night Friday still needed you. When you said you couldn’t go it was so hard for me and I was instantly reminded of my post. “Ok Denise you better live your post and appreciate your man and not start reaming him out.” I thought of Cora and how she has been sharing her need to be a grown-up in her marriage. I too haven’t always been so grown up, wanting you to do my bidding, like a child. So I said “Okay. I’m going by myself, with Miranda and Stephen. I‘ve gotta see my brother” and got into Cape Cod mom-mode and drove the three hours on the highways with little sleep to Grandma’s house. (Uncle Dave was truly surprised that I even did it, he said.) I thought of how I can really be more than I sometimes think I can. I kept telling myself to Let it Go. Let it Be. I started to transform as I said the words and I did it and enjoyed my time with family and just let it be without trying to control every aspect. We can be the architect of our passions and our lives by getting clear about our vision, letting go of what it will look like, and taking action. Along the way the sweetest hugs and kisses are there waiting for us.
Max Said
What you say is powerful, inspiring and wise, my love. I know it seems that writing this blog dialogue seems like a small thing and it is not always clear where it is going, but it forces me to take the time to step back and process things. I just won’t get to doing this without some form of discipline to keep me on track. I know I have been negligent recently, and I think this has been a mistake – yeah, I know things have been crazy and it has just seemed impossible, but I see the benefit to both of us in just moving forward one blog at a time.
I read some little silly quip tacked on to the end of someone’s e-mail that said, “The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea.” This really pissed me off. I have long suspected that the pressure to work more and more is part of the plot to keep the people complacent and separated. If we spend all of our time at work, we do not have any time or energy to really step back and consider why we are spending all of our time at work, who is really benefitting from our labor, and why we are not really moving anywhere in our lives. I bring this up because it has been kind of true for me over the last couple of weeks. With the extra work put into dealing with an extended crisis at work, I was left feeling drained and constantly feeling like I needed to do more work, that I was not getting it done, etc. And not taking even the small amount time out to step back and write this blog, which seems trivial, took a toll.
The other drawback to not having the time to reflect is that it makes the first step in your three step plan for being the architects of our own passions very hard. Without clarity on our vision, it’s very hard to take the next steps. That clarity can only come from finding quiet time to look within. I guess it’s important to still take some steps in the general direction of where you feel lead to go, and that’s where letting go of how you think it should look comes in to play, but it does make it harder to not have the space to get in touch with your inner guidance system.
Also, working on our relationship takes time and energy. It is time and energy that I very much want to spend with you, or doing things for you. It makes me frustrated and sad when I come up empty at the end of a particularly stressful work week.
Hmm, I guess this blog entry is basically turning into a gripe session :) Not really what I had intended.
What I do know is that I am truly grateful for you my darling wife, best friend, soul-mate, miraculous mother of our children, lover, playmate and all around favorite person in the whole world! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are.
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I enjoyed reading the above a lot, esp the part about the strong response Denise got from posting her thoughts about how women should appreciate and celebrate men more, and criticize them less -- oh boy, I could resonate a bit! When you posted a few weeks ago "Rule #1 to women – Don’t ever tell your husband they fucked up!" I have to tell you my first reaction was, "What?! What on earth will we talk about?"
ReplyDeleteWhat a surprising thing to find myself thinking! Of course that's not our only topic of discussion at all, but still, I felt active resistance to the notion of eliminating "you fucked up" from the table entirely, and here until you made me think of it in that way I would never have said that formed a part of our dialogue. Hmmmmm! I do heap praise on him, but I haven't, till this point, actively refrained from uttering judgments and evaluations that while not explicitly saying "you fucked up" certainly would make him feel that way.
This was all too interesting not to follow up by experimenting with implementing rule #1. It is fascinating to engage with the challenge of *not* expressing any judgments, but also not failing to give voice to my own needs in a situation. I find that I am most critical when I am feeling most needy ... when I feel this urge to point out some flaw or failure in someone else, I can look inside myself and realize that I am feeling like I need a hug! Or help with the dishes! So there is something I can voice instead.
Nearly as interesting to me this week was seeing how the very process of blogging is also helping focus both your attention on how you put your beliefs into practice. Denise actually reminded herself that she had to "live her post," while Max observed how quickly, if we forget to make time to reflect and process, a sense of hecticness and stress can arise.
I appreciate the reflection time as well, so thank you both very much for your willingness to make this process an open and inclusive one!