Max Said
Throughout the last few months I feel like we have both been making steps towards being happier people. We just find that we are more content with where we are and are focused on being grateful for what we have, instead of wanting something else. This has been a very positive shift for obvious reasons and I feel it has freed up a great deal of energy that was previously directed to things that were not helping us grow.
You have specifically pointed out that I have made a noticeable shift in this area of late and that this shift helped you to follow suit. And I of course feel the shift as well and this has made me wonder where it came from. I guess there are probably a few reasons for the shift, one simply being that it feels better to chose to be happy and positive vs being angry and sullen :) But thinking more about the shift and why I previously "chose" to fall into darker emotions at times, it occurred to me that perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I have finally detoxified from the years of being plugged into the mass media and its constant companion, the great marketing engine.
I was far from a couch potato in terms of the level of my TV consumption, but we had network / cable TV available to us up until about 8 years ago. And of course, just living in NYC with literally stories-tall marketing messages bludgeoning your senses from every direction probably amounted to hundreds of marketing impressions a day. It was not until we just shut off the cable feed, and then a few years after this moved out to small-town Milford that I completely unplugged.
And any student of marketing will tell you that in order to sell product, you have to create a sense of need. To motivate the consumer to find happiness in the acquisition of your particular service, product or experience. And the underlying darker side of the this message is that one cannot really be happy and fulfilled without the item for sale. It is that want that really drives people, unfortunately, and therefore this is the tool of choice for the marketing folks who want to do their jobs effectively. The Rolling Stones song, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction, came to mind as I was thinking of this:
When I'm drivin' in my car
and that man comes on the radio
and he's tellin' me more and more
about some useless information
supposed to fire my imagination.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.
I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.
When I'm watchin' my TV
and that man comes on to tell me
how white my shirts can be.
Well he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
the same cigarettes as me.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.
Somehow this seems to me like an anthem of our consumer culture and precisely where the great marketing engine wants us all to be.
Of course, each little ad or message is not really a big deal, but taken as a whole, as a constant, persistent and often unconscious liturgy of want that comes at us from every angle and nearly from birth, I think it's not unreasonable to make some connection between marketing and a general feeling of dissatisfaction with life. Isn't a person being truly content where one is and with what one has the marketing agency's nightmare? What if that spread?! :)
So, here's to being happily unplugged!
Denise Said
This past week we both have made more shifts in our thought processes, almost an avalanche of great thoughts, than it seems we've made in a long time. I wonder if happiness has a snowball effect? (We have had quite a bit of snow this season - but no puns intended.) My first new thought this week was about fun and expecting that one day fun will come along and hit me over the head, and damn it, I would know it was fun! Fun will happen only in the future and when I'm having fun at that point, I will know it. I've been saving a few dollars for future fun and now I need to spend it on something I wasn't expecting to have to spend money on. We were in the tub the other night and I was sharing my disheartening feelings about spending this money on something other than fun. And you said to me, "Well, isn't going to Colorado fun?" (We're planning on visiting my sister in her new Colorado home this summer.) Your statement hit me over the head like a ton a bricks. Fun is right now. Fun can happen all the time. Fun is a perception. Yes, going to Colorado is fun. I have these expectations of how I think things are supposed to be and fun is one of them. I would tie this belief into the mass media also effecting me. The American Dream: I bought it.
The other interesting thing I learned this week, besides that according to Stephen The Beatles wrote a song entitled, "Waiting For My Ham", is something I read from Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed. Actually I debated long and hard whether to read her new book about marriage and finally decided to hop off my high-ego horse (I've been married for 22 years! Who does she think she is writing a book on marriage?) and give her book a try. I've put it down a few times and argued with it honestly, but was fascinated by one part towards the beginning about a culture she visited in Vietnam - the Hmong people. She interviewed the women about how they felt about marriage. She asked many of the usual questions one would think - "Where did you meet your husband? Did you know he was special right away? What do you believe is the secret of a happy marriage? Is your husband a good husband?" The grandmother and the other women just looked at Liz and didn't understand what she meant. They even laughed at these questions. (And this was not a translation issue) There was no great romantic story of how the Hmong women met their husbands. The men have their activities, the women theirs and their marriages just are. It was so simple. They didn't have expectations in their marriages. They were never taught that their husbands/wives were supposed to make each other blissfully happy. This struck me deeply. For so many years I've expected the fairy tale of Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet, feeding me chocolate, and whisking me away to some exciting place - and I have to say you did all that - chocolate Haagen Daz and New York City, but I continued to always except more and sometimes things that I couldn't even explain, but I expected you to know.
Well, I look forward to the creativity of March....it's started already my dear! (btw - Happy Birthday!)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Quiet Time
Denise Said
This weekend we snuck away for 36 hours for some quiet time - just the two of us. Two nights away are a must, you have said, so that we have all day on Saturday to decompress. Thirty-six hours is a short time but I do feel more like my old self again and that’s a treat. (I’m glad we squeezed it in before opera rehearsals start.) A French dinner out, two yummy breakfasts out, a sunny walk across Center Bridge, lunch from the farmer’s market back at the room - and no dishes, all makes me feel like a queen again – your queen. My energy is back for a while.
I love the place you chose and thank you for making the arrangements. Stockton was the perfect close-to-home-get-away. You chose Stockton and the inn there because a friend mentioned the farmer’s market in Stockton on weekends selling lots of locally-made products. I knew this would be a weekend of good food. One of your favorite things.
At the farmer’s market you were attracted to the chocolate table almost instantly. The hot chocolate (like European drinking chocolate the man said) was the best! It reminded me of your yummy chocolate custards. You had a few tastes of free chocolate nibbles and we bought a hot chocolate mix and some truffles for your birthday, which is next week. While you wandered around to peruse the many tables of delectable cheese, Rise bread, fresh meat, really amazing mushrooms, handmade alpaca socks, and greenhouse grown produce, I went and looked around at the beautiful art in the gallery next door.
It’s funny I didn’t know what to do with myself with no schedule. Free time is not a common thing right now for us. But in the middle of the quietness on Saturday I felt a great love for the life that we have created, even in all its complexities. I love our children, I love our marriage, I love our home, I love the things we do with our family. I knew the kids were fine and having a good time. I never worried about them. I missed them a little I have to admit.
We had a fireplace in our room, a first for us. You were very attracted to the fireplace, like the chocolate. Fire is an element we need more of in our life. You love to make fires in the back yard and sit a bask in the heat, you love to make a fire on the grill and cook meat. It was wonderful to feel the fire (even if it was made from one of those fake pine logs) and just sit in front of it and just be. The quiet time was wonderful. Thank you.
Max Said
Having these quiet times are the equivalent of meditating for our relationship. In gives us the time to step back and gain perspective on where we are in our journey together, to take stock of the things that are truly important to us and to make some choices on where to put our energies so that we move toward the future we want.
Neither of us are all that good at making time for individual meditation - just does not seem like there is enough space in all the chaos and clamor that is our day-to-day life with three vibrant kids at three wonderfully different stages in their lives. Or perhaps we just don't know how to start? I am glad that we, as we usually do, make our relationship enough of a priority to at least take these little retreats for some relationship-level meditation. I think, however, each of us carving out time to pull back and find quiet on our own on a regular basis would be a worthy pursuit.
It's interesting how these times away have shifted for us over the years. Early on, they were largely focused on sex. We would have elaborate games planned, try new and experimental things, etc... But now, while the intimacy is still important and, I think, sweeter than ever, the time spent just being and soaking in each other's presence in silence is the most precious part. Being able to complete a conversation or thought, even a series of thoughts, without interruption and all the special, simple things about being just a couple again for a brief time are what nourish me the most.
And fire, yes, that is a missing element in our lives at this point. As clichéd as it sounds, these little getaways are at some level about keeping the spark in our relationship. So it seems appropriate that our little faux fires this weekend were so attractive to us. Just basking in the modest heat and watching the flames dance was both restorative and energizing. Metaphorically as well, having a bit more fire in our way of being, both individually and in our relationship would be a good thing. I think we both have smoldering desires and passions that need to get some oxygen and burst out into the world a bit more. Let's get some more candles and keep them burning to remind us!
I love you deeply and am so very grateful for our quiet time this past weekend. Let's do it again, sooner!
This weekend we snuck away for 36 hours for some quiet time - just the two of us. Two nights away are a must, you have said, so that we have all day on Saturday to decompress. Thirty-six hours is a short time but I do feel more like my old self again and that’s a treat. (I’m glad we squeezed it in before opera rehearsals start.) A French dinner out, two yummy breakfasts out, a sunny walk across Center Bridge, lunch from the farmer’s market back at the room - and no dishes, all makes me feel like a queen again – your queen. My energy is back for a while.
I love the place you chose and thank you for making the arrangements. Stockton was the perfect close-to-home-get-away. You chose Stockton and the inn there because a friend mentioned the farmer’s market in Stockton on weekends selling lots of locally-made products. I knew this would be a weekend of good food. One of your favorite things.
At the farmer’s market you were attracted to the chocolate table almost instantly. The hot chocolate (like European drinking chocolate the man said) was the best! It reminded me of your yummy chocolate custards. You had a few tastes of free chocolate nibbles and we bought a hot chocolate mix and some truffles for your birthday, which is next week. While you wandered around to peruse the many tables of delectable cheese, Rise bread, fresh meat, really amazing mushrooms, handmade alpaca socks, and greenhouse grown produce, I went and looked around at the beautiful art in the gallery next door.
It’s funny I didn’t know what to do with myself with no schedule. Free time is not a common thing right now for us. But in the middle of the quietness on Saturday I felt a great love for the life that we have created, even in all its complexities. I love our children, I love our marriage, I love our home, I love the things we do with our family. I knew the kids were fine and having a good time. I never worried about them. I missed them a little I have to admit.
We had a fireplace in our room, a first for us. You were very attracted to the fireplace, like the chocolate. Fire is an element we need more of in our life. You love to make fires in the back yard and sit a bask in the heat, you love to make a fire on the grill and cook meat. It was wonderful to feel the fire (even if it was made from one of those fake pine logs) and just sit in front of it and just be. The quiet time was wonderful. Thank you.
Max Said
Having these quiet times are the equivalent of meditating for our relationship. In gives us the time to step back and gain perspective on where we are in our journey together, to take stock of the things that are truly important to us and to make some choices on where to put our energies so that we move toward the future we want.
Neither of us are all that good at making time for individual meditation - just does not seem like there is enough space in all the chaos and clamor that is our day-to-day life with three vibrant kids at three wonderfully different stages in their lives. Or perhaps we just don't know how to start? I am glad that we, as we usually do, make our relationship enough of a priority to at least take these little retreats for some relationship-level meditation. I think, however, each of us carving out time to pull back and find quiet on our own on a regular basis would be a worthy pursuit.
It's interesting how these times away have shifted for us over the years. Early on, they were largely focused on sex. We would have elaborate games planned, try new and experimental things, etc... But now, while the intimacy is still important and, I think, sweeter than ever, the time spent just being and soaking in each other's presence in silence is the most precious part. Being able to complete a conversation or thought, even a series of thoughts, without interruption and all the special, simple things about being just a couple again for a brief time are what nourish me the most.
And fire, yes, that is a missing element in our lives at this point. As clichéd as it sounds, these little getaways are at some level about keeping the spark in our relationship. So it seems appropriate that our little faux fires this weekend were so attractive to us. Just basking in the modest heat and watching the flames dance was both restorative and energizing. Metaphorically as well, having a bit more fire in our way of being, both individually and in our relationship would be a good thing. I think we both have smoldering desires and passions that need to get some oxygen and burst out into the world a bit more. Let's get some more candles and keep them burning to remind us!
I love you deeply and am so very grateful for our quiet time this past weekend. Let's do it again, sooner!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Un-Valentine's Day
Max Said
At some point in our history together, we sort of grew out of most of the "Hallmark" holidays. Valentine's Day certainly qualifies as one of these, but it's heart is in the right place, as it were :)
I certainly have no issues with a holiday that celebrates love, but I guess what worries me is that it is only one day. It places a lot of pressure on couples to create a perfect romantic moment on demand, while fighting for dinner reservations and paying inflated prices for roses.
It seems far more sensible to celebrate love every day and to allow romantic moments to happen organically. Surprising you with a beautiful bouquet out of the blue always seems more fun and meaningful. The very rare moment when we find ourselves actually alone at home for a few moments. Planning a weekend trip away for just the two of us. These are the ongoing things that we do to keep the flame burning.
I am woefully uninspired in the blogging arena tonight, so I am going make this one short.
I do love you tremendously and am glad that you are my eternal Valentine.
Denise Said
We outgrew it, yes, but I still like it. What can I say I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always liked the idea of Valentine's Day, however as you said, I think it puts too much pressure on people to create a magical TV moment or something saccharine. I know I've fallen for it. There have been years that I was very upset because you weren't into it and then I started putting up reminder notices (on the back of the toilet) that Valentine's Day was 2 weeks away....1 week away.....2 days away....It was supposed to be funny of course, but I wonder if that it just made you feel bad. You work your best romantically without being under pressure. Isn't that true of creativity in general?
We were just talking about this today. Creativity thrives in a relaxed quiet place. What about our lives right now is relaxed and quiet -except midnight when we're exhausted? I know there will be a time again when the kids are grown when the creativity in our marriage can resume. Right now we are focused primarily on the children, our family, our work, and we squeeze us in here and there. I'm glad we've had so many years together to hold us over. You always tell me, when I worry the romance is gone, that you never worry about that and that it's always there - it just needs space and time. You're always right.
Will you be my Valentine?
At some point in our history together, we sort of grew out of most of the "Hallmark" holidays. Valentine's Day certainly qualifies as one of these, but it's heart is in the right place, as it were :)
I certainly have no issues with a holiday that celebrates love, but I guess what worries me is that it is only one day. It places a lot of pressure on couples to create a perfect romantic moment on demand, while fighting for dinner reservations and paying inflated prices for roses.
It seems far more sensible to celebrate love every day and to allow romantic moments to happen organically. Surprising you with a beautiful bouquet out of the blue always seems more fun and meaningful. The very rare moment when we find ourselves actually alone at home for a few moments. Planning a weekend trip away for just the two of us. These are the ongoing things that we do to keep the flame burning.
I am woefully uninspired in the blogging arena tonight, so I am going make this one short.
I do love you tremendously and am glad that you are my eternal Valentine.
Denise Said
We outgrew it, yes, but I still like it. What can I say I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always liked the idea of Valentine's Day, however as you said, I think it puts too much pressure on people to create a magical TV moment or something saccharine. I know I've fallen for it. There have been years that I was very upset because you weren't into it and then I started putting up reminder notices (on the back of the toilet) that Valentine's Day was 2 weeks away....1 week away.....2 days away....It was supposed to be funny of course, but I wonder if that it just made you feel bad. You work your best romantically without being under pressure. Isn't that true of creativity in general?
We were just talking about this today. Creativity thrives in a relaxed quiet place. What about our lives right now is relaxed and quiet -except midnight when we're exhausted? I know there will be a time again when the kids are grown when the creativity in our marriage can resume. Right now we are focused primarily on the children, our family, our work, and we squeeze us in here and there. I'm glad we've had so many years together to hold us over. You always tell me, when I worry the romance is gone, that you never worry about that and that it's always there - it just needs space and time. You're always right.
Will you be my Valentine?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Balance
Denise Said
This weekend feels very balancing after a busy week…. or two. Yesterday’s snowstorm, finding a great sledding spot at the park, making beef stew, a splendid sunset at the mall - just the two of us (how romantic), then today sledding in the sunshine with the whole family, coming home and making apple cottage cheese pancakes served with hot chocolate, then lying down for a nap with you, all make me feel grounded, happy and balanced. The icing on the cake for me is you feeling happy and relaxed after your work week. I would love more days to be like this weekend. Can I feel this way everyday if I try to think about my days differently?
Being balanced. Finding balance. Being in balance. Balancing act. Surrendering to balance. Many days I feel out of balance from doing too much of one thing or another: juggling family activities, the house, work, the dishes, meal planning. Then there will be a day or two of rest and fun when we have time together as a family or time together alone and the scales tilt back to equal. I always feel more in balance after spending time happy time with you alone, especially at least a few hours. You are the yin to my yang.
“The Chinese yin/yang symbol portrays the equality and complementarity of the two sexes. Consisting of two fluid teardrops nestled head to heel, each half extends deep into the hemispheric territory of the other. In the head of each half is a small circle composed of the essence of its opposite; each side contains within it the seed of its reciprocal.” – Leonard Shlain from The Alphabet Versus the Goddess.
I love Schlain’s description of the yin/yang - two fluid teardrops nestled head to heel and just a dab of the other’s essence in ourselves. Male and female qualities naturally go together if we are in balance with each other. I draw upon that “essence” maleness at certain times, like when driving on 78 and I will actually say to myself: "Use your inner male Denise." I am grateful for that spark of male balancing within me. It can be very useful. However, I do believe it has been misused by women over the last century as they regain the feminine wisdom and power taken from them long ago. Women’s power lies in being feminine not being masculine. It’s time for balance again.
Max Said
We do indeed balance each other beautifully. I think that this is mostly due to the fact that we grew up together. We have each supported and pushed one another to grow as human beings. We each have an innate desire to grow and improve in order to bring something better back to the relationship, and then as a happy side-effect, to our family and to our communities.
We have both recently been noticing a new level of partnership and balance in our lives. It feels like we have each reached a new level of maturity and inner balance and this has helped to solidify the balance in our relationship.
I honor you for swimming strongly against the tide of the feminism that looks to gain power at the expense of the masculine. Instead you embrace your uniquely female goddess power that is creative and loving. It is a power that is sure enough of itself that it does not need to push down or denigrate the masculine, but exists in a harmonious and functional balance with it instead.
It occurs to me that the Bible has something to say about this balance or yin and yang in what it says about marriage. We are meant to leave our parents and cleave to each other. The word used for "cleave" is a very strong one that implies the creation of a new single entity - the two shall be as one. It is a symbiotic, balanced blending of man and woman that makes a truly successful relationship, like the one I am blessed to share with you!
This weekend feels very balancing after a busy week…. or two. Yesterday’s snowstorm, finding a great sledding spot at the park, making beef stew, a splendid sunset at the mall - just the two of us (how romantic), then today sledding in the sunshine with the whole family, coming home and making apple cottage cheese pancakes served with hot chocolate, then lying down for a nap with you, all make me feel grounded, happy and balanced. The icing on the cake for me is you feeling happy and relaxed after your work week. I would love more days to be like this weekend. Can I feel this way everyday if I try to think about my days differently?
Being balanced. Finding balance. Being in balance. Balancing act. Surrendering to balance. Many days I feel out of balance from doing too much of one thing or another: juggling family activities, the house, work, the dishes, meal planning. Then there will be a day or two of rest and fun when we have time together as a family or time together alone and the scales tilt back to equal. I always feel more in balance after spending time happy time with you alone, especially at least a few hours. You are the yin to my yang.
“The Chinese yin/yang symbol portrays the equality and complementarity of the two sexes. Consisting of two fluid teardrops nestled head to heel, each half extends deep into the hemispheric territory of the other. In the head of each half is a small circle composed of the essence of its opposite; each side contains within it the seed of its reciprocal.” – Leonard Shlain from The Alphabet Versus the Goddess.
I love Schlain’s description of the yin/yang - two fluid teardrops nestled head to heel and just a dab of the other’s essence in ourselves. Male and female qualities naturally go together if we are in balance with each other. I draw upon that “essence” maleness at certain times, like when driving on 78 and I will actually say to myself: "Use your inner male Denise." I am grateful for that spark of male balancing within me. It can be very useful. However, I do believe it has been misused by women over the last century as they regain the feminine wisdom and power taken from them long ago. Women’s power lies in being feminine not being masculine. It’s time for balance again.
Max Said
We do indeed balance each other beautifully. I think that this is mostly due to the fact that we grew up together. We have each supported and pushed one another to grow as human beings. We each have an innate desire to grow and improve in order to bring something better back to the relationship, and then as a happy side-effect, to our family and to our communities.
We have both recently been noticing a new level of partnership and balance in our lives. It feels like we have each reached a new level of maturity and inner balance and this has helped to solidify the balance in our relationship.
I honor you for swimming strongly against the tide of the feminism that looks to gain power at the expense of the masculine. Instead you embrace your uniquely female goddess power that is creative and loving. It is a power that is sure enough of itself that it does not need to push down or denigrate the masculine, but exists in a harmonious and functional balance with it instead.
It occurs to me that the Bible has something to say about this balance or yin and yang in what it says about marriage. We are meant to leave our parents and cleave to each other. The word used for "cleave" is a very strong one that implies the creation of a new single entity - the two shall be as one. It is a symbiotic, balanced blending of man and woman that makes a truly successful relationship, like the one I am blessed to share with you!
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