Life Has Seasons

Max Said

Life has seasons. I am not sure where this concept came from, something we read at some point, but I am mindful of this idea as we come into spring this year. The key point that this metaphor highlights is that things are always changing. When we are at a challenging point in our lives and things seem overwhelming, it is a comfort to remember that it is the natural course of things to change. And it is my belief that focusing on positive things and growth shapes this change in a positive direction. Also, when things are wonderful, it is OK to let go of the exact details of the moment and allow for something even more incredible to come into our lives. Often by clinging to the recreation of some happy time in our lives we stifle our own growth and limit the possibilities.

We have been through quite a few seasons together and that is nice thing to have in common. We had our courtship season full of all the sweet newness of getting to know one another, our newlywed season, our growing up together season, our new parents season, our parents of two season, our parents of three season, and now I think we are in our self-rediscovery season. It is a bit of challenge, I think for us to be moving into this new season of reconnecting with ourselves while still very much being in the parents of three season. But it’s a season and it will change, and it has its own wonder and joy to be savored as well.

It is in the acceptance and enjoyment of each season as it is happening that contentment lies. Looking back at previous seasons, we often feel nostalgic for that simpler time, or some aspect of that past time. However, when in the midst of the past season we may have felt restless, frustrated and ready to move out of the season. So, although it is not always easy and I am not always able to maintain a completely positive outlook, I think it is really important to enjoy the season we are in and savor its own type of sweetness and to look at what it has to teach us. For it is out of this optimistic and grateful space that we can create the next seasons to be what will be best for our happiness and growth.

I also like this metaphor because it ties our lives to the natural world that cycles through its stunning transformations year after year. Getting out into our little backyard and taking care of it little by little, year after year is very gratifying each spring when it bursts into life a bit more beautiful for our tending and nurturing – much like our relationship and our family life.

---

Denise Said


The little bit by little bit part is an idea that I’ve been mulling over lately. Only I’ve been calling it brick by brick. I remember thinking in the newlywed season that we were building a foundation for our marriage to stand upon. My figuratively-speaking vision of our marriage was to build a strong foundation. Some of the bricks were strong, and the correct brick shape, and some had cracks that we needed to either cement together again, or just take out of the foundation and replace with a new brick finally after trying things that didn’t work. The phrase “Rome wasn’t built in a day” is true. It was a process building it a little bit at a time.

As we continue to build each day, I like the seasonal reminders to see how far we’ve come. Eighteen years ago around the middle of April we conceived our first baby. When the daffodils open (or tax day arrives) this seasonal reminder of “Look how far we’ve come” or “Look at what we’ve built” emerges with those blossoms. It also reminds me of how grateful I am to not be pregnant and nauseous too, yet I have to say that even through those really difficult months tremendous growth happened for me, for us. It was a major change of season. There’s always upheaval around a season of change and it often doesn’t feel good. That’s the metamorphosis process. Sometimes it’s nice to look back from where’ve been to the here and take stock how much we’ve built brick-by-brick, little bit by little bit.

Max, it does make me happy that you are making a conscious effort to enjoy the season you are in right now, although it might be one of your more challenging ones. So much shifts in ourselves with acceptance and we enjoy the season we are in all the more.

---

Partners vs Cowboys

Denise Said

I hate it when we fight, not that our stressed moment was a full blown fight like in yesteryear. Of course this tense, curt moment was about the same thing – money. I feel better, a little, knowing that money is the number one issue couples fight over. (Oprah Magazine said so anyway.) I am happy to say we have moved forward in our arguing technique and recognized its pattern and stop ourselves from going too deep into the throes of blame, yelling, and stomping off. We have been trying hard to not go into our same old pattern and I knew when I started this little fight I shouldn’t have been talking about this issue in 1) the dark 2 )lying in bed, or 3) when we’re tired. We both agreed a couple of years ago to discuss finances 1) sitting up 2) not in our bedroom, and 3) emotions checked at the door.

The next morning I was still annoyed and got up quickly and left the room. You went into your office. We had taken our corners. I sat downstairs for a while in the quiet and thought. I just let the quiet seep into me, and re-thought about my issues. I decided I needed to communicate in some way with you so I made you a cup of tea, my usual white flag, and brought it upstairs to you, said, “Good Morning. We’ll talk later.” You smiled an appreciative smile and I left, starting to feel the healing happening between us already.

We talked later that day, or else the next morning, it’s all a blur now, but we were sitting up and downstairs. I was able to say what I needed to say without blame or emotions blocking my words. You heard me and we felt like partners again instead of cowboys ready for high noon wondering who was going to be gunned down first.

Later I was reminded of something helpful that Liz Gilbert wrote in her new book Committed. She, and her then fiancé, Jose, were traveling around Bali. He was under great stress about being deported and they were awaiting news when he could come back into the States so they could get married. They started arguing on a bus and shortly into the argument Jose, a seasoned man in his 50s, said something like this to Liz. “Let’s be very careful what we say in the next few minutes. Let’s not say anything we’ll regret.” The quiet power of saying less. It gives our emotions time to settle down and our mind silence to regroup our thoughts, and reconsider what’s really important - being right or accepting each other.

---

Max Said

I think our tiff is yet another great example of how we shape our own reality. On the one hand when we attempted to discuss the financial issue in front of us with charged emotions and from a perspective of being right, it was an extremely negative, divisive moment that left us both feeling isolated, misunderstood and underappreciated. When we were able to let things sit, remove the emotion and come a place of mutual acceptance, we supported each other to move through the issue and grow. The issue did not change, but our thoughts and way of being around it certainly did.

I am coming to understand that making these shifts in perspective, and coming from a place of gratitude and acceptance are at the core of a successful relationships. Indeed, these tools are also an important part of having a fulfilled and happy life. I think that when you care deeply about another person and have built the foundation of trust, gently nudging each other through these paradigm shifts is what makes a relationship not only functional but an engine for positive growth for both partners. We are blessed to have reached this point and to have this benefit.

Without a loving life partner, I would think it would be much harder to see outside one’s personal box at times. Without the mirror of your words and reactions, I would not have easily seen how I was playing out a self-sabotaging script around money. We will go much further as partners than we would as lone cowboys :)