Happy Anniversary With Gratitude

Max Said

23 years of marriage…  Well that’s the official number, but I think we’ve been married at the soul level for more like 25.  Anyway, wow!

This has been a powerful week for us as a couple and I am mostly just overwhelmed with gratitude for having had you in my life for all of these years.  It feels like we are always learning new things about one another and the relationship that we share.  We never stop growing, as individuals and as a couple.

I think one of the most profound lessons that has come to the surface in a new way for me this week is the importance of gratitude.  For reasons that I have talked about in previous blog posts, we, as a culture, tend to spend a good portion of our energy on wanting.  Wanting things, wanting experiences, wanting new relationships, wanting our partners to change to better suit our needs, etc.  The problem here is that in the end we inevitably end up wanting something that is out of our reach and therefore live with the feeling that something is missing, that we cannot truly be happy and satisfied.

Gratitude shifts this whole paradigm.  When we stop and consciously take inventory of all the many blessings that we are showered with in our lives and say “Thank You” for these blessings, we are magically transported to true happiness with where and who we are.  Because gratitude is a conscious choice in terms of interpreting the same circumstances that we could also find wanting, it is the secret key to inner-directed happiness.

And that is the other drawback with the wanting way of being.  It depends on external things, people or circumstances for happiness.  All of these are necessarily transient and often fleeting.  How many times do you witness yourself or others obtaining some coveted thing or circumstance only to realize that it was not exactly what we thought it would be, or quickly grow bored of it and move on to the next want.

With unconditional gratitude the nexus of our happiness is shifted inwards.  When we make the choice to be grateful, we are on the path of inner happiness.

So let me say, on this day to celebrate our amazing marriage, with the deepest sincerity and emotion, that I am grateful for you my love.  I am grateful for your smile, your spirit, your unconditional love, your laughter, and the laughter you bring to me, for your unparalleled mothering, for your passionate nature, for your love of flowers, and beauty of all kinds, from the domestic to the rare, for the loving care you shape our home with, and for your acceptance of all that I am over all these years…  I am grateful for so many more things that I cannot begin to list here.

I truly love you Denise.  Thanks for another year of your love.

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Denise Said



Happy Anniversary Maxwell! The years go by quickly (we realized today that it’s been two years already and the van has to be inspected again) and sometimes they mingle together that I can’t remember one year from another.  This anniversary will always have a signpost next to it in my memory though as the year we went to Longwood Gardens by ourselves and meandered through the delightful gardens on a hot and sunny day.  It was the same kind of weather as our wedding day actually and the day even felt like a renewal of vows in a simple way. I felt grateful to walk hand in hand, finding surprises at every turn:  The Pierre DuPont Building courtyard took my breath away as I entered the room, the Italian fountain garden transported us to Italy for a while, the tunnel of rose arbors in full pink bloom where we asked someone to take our photo, the Copper  Beeches we sat under to take a break from the sun, the overwhelming fragrance of the lilies in the lily extravaganza room, the majesty of the topiaries, and reflections in the water lily ponds. Then to come home to a tasty grilled chicken picnic dinner the kids made for us with homemade crème brulee for dessert made me even more thankful for what we’ve created together in our life with our family. I feel no need of want.

The shadows, the colors, the smells, the tastes, the heat, the sun, wove a beautiful tapestry of gratitude for me on this our 23rd married year together.  Thank you for being my devoted and dear husband in this life. As you said to me in your card, “I think we’re getting the hang of it.” I love you too.

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The Original Quickie

Denise Said

It seems I still have a lot to learn about the nuances of marriage and it’s something that needs tending every day. I hope you will forgive me for bringing up our late-night conversation again, but I think it bears documentation.  What else does a late night drawn-out conversation involve other than love making? While it was difficult to hear that you feel “bankrupt” with nothing left to give and that sometimes a quickie is really what you want, and not having to take care of me sexually, I was proud of you telling me how you felt. This seems like a huge step for both of us, since I’m the one usually doing the talking.  Part of the reason I love to be with you is that you are a wonderful sensitive lover and you play me like an instrument.  But sometimes I think you’ve created a monster in me too, in that I have such high expectations and I know what you are capable of creating between us. That’s a lot of upkeep and sometimes quickies would be perfect, I totally understand. (I do actually like quickies.)  I have nothing against any of your requests and we both acknowledged that our life is extremely complicated right now which in general is adding to our angst in lack of time for sex.

This made me think about the evolutionary differences in men and women and a realationship call I listened in on with Alison Armstrong . Alison spoke about the physical differences in the male and female eyes. Men have eyes that see more like a predator out for the kill – straight ahead - and women have eyes that see as both predator, and the prey, using also peripheral vision.  This is very apparent in driving. A man is driving. His wife is in the passenger seat. She screams out that he’s going to hit something along the side of the road, and from her point of view it looks like that. He on the other hand thinks that his wife doesn’t trust him. Trust is a huge thing with men. They want to know they are trusted totally. Anyway a ping-pong argument usually starts simply because of physical difference in the way men and women see the world.

After our talk last night I woke up thinking more about these differences. What if our dilemma sexually is also simply a physical one and not something to take so personally and make into a long and drawn out discussion about?  I started to think along the lines of Leonard Shlain. In his book Sex Time and Power : How Women’s Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution he talks about  how there are no female mammals besides human females that have orgasms (there seem to be some monkey species that enjoy sex and that is a research project for another day for me to dig back into that book.)   This got me thinking.  Most of the male species mount the female and get their procreation business over within seconds, afterwards leaving the female to continue on with whatever task she was doing.  The original quickie. It’s evolutionally in men to Wham Bam Thank You Mam!

Shlain’s argument gets more complicated when he gets into the nitty gritty early makings of the idea of caveman marriage when the early female of our species started to piece together how babies were made,  and then the women did something drastically new…… they said NO to sex.  Men now had to do a song and dance and court women to get them to have sex with them. And the women now wanted the men to prove that if they got their way with them, the men would stick around and help care for any children created and also help feed her and them, since she now was in the role of caregiver. Shlain’s theory gets more and more intricate and I could not do justice to his careful research and his quite amazing insights, but I do think there is something to his thoughts in how we evolved as male and female. We did arrive at the conclusion that quickies have their place, as do long-drawn out I’m-here-to-stay sexual encounters.  It’s that Ying and Yang thing again.  XO

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Max Said


I definitely agree that we have learned a few valuable lessons about relating over the last week…
I think you have illuminated one of them very well.  Men and women just plain have different wiring when it comes to sex.  If we don’t recognize, embrace and celebrate these differences, then we are missing something important.  Vive la différence!

The other thing is more about uncovering a part of my personality.  I have a hard time asking for what I want.  I am happy to give to you selflessly and leave my own needs out of the picture.  When it comes time for putting my wants and desires out there, I’d just as soon pass.  So it was a big step for me to tell what I was feeling about sex.  I know it was all my own doing that I was not getting my quickie quota :)

And finally, after a week of swinging the pendulum pretty far over to the quickie side, the final thing that I have learned is that balance is good.  While I am the most satisfied in our intimacy when both of us are fully engaged and we share a perfect moment of transcendent rapture, the occasional wham-bam is a good thing as well.  It keeps us balanced, and it keeps us connected.

We Are the Architects of Our Passions

Denise Said


I have so much to say. Where to start? I’ll just dive in and start blabbing. This week’s Facebook thread of a status update that I made several days ago is still going on. I made a comment about how I had overheard an argument between a man and a woman in town and the man couldn’t get a word in edgewise because the woman was cursing him out. I didn’t stay to listen but left feeling sad that I hear these kinds of one-sided fights so often. The whole thing felt yucky for the man who sat and just took what was dealt to him. So in my Born-on-the-Day-of-the-Outspoken-Spokesperson-May 8th frame of mind, which comes easily to me, I made the comment on Facebook saying that women need to lay off men and appreciate their good qualities instead. There was no response at first except from Fred wishing I had a sister who wasn’t taken. I didn’t check Facebook for a couple days being away in Selinsgrove for Grandma’s 90th birthday. When I did, what a lot of responses were in the thread! Some women got my point, some didn’t, and probably won’t. Some were very adamant about how wrong I was and wrote several times. I was wishing as I read the responses that I had a brilliant anecdote to share from Alison Armstrong’s relationship call that Karen and I went on a couple weeks ago. Alison Armstrong, relationship guru, talked about how a couple still can be on their honeymoon after many years of marriage, how many women are Frog Farmers and turn Princes into Frogs, and how men are just great! When I went on a website of hers and read an article she wrote I was blown away by something a friend of hers told her when she was starting her journey of balancing the feminine and masculine within herself. The friend said, “I'm not asking this for you. I'm asking you to stop castrating men because I believe when women stop castrating men, men will give us everything we ever wanted. Including peace and the end of hunger."

I have within myself this yearning to make the world a better place and many passions in which to do that: my passion for family, my passion for homeschooling, my passion of childbirth, my passion of creating a home, and most importantly my passion for you and our marriage. I have so much to share about my passion for you, and how we created a happy marriage. I just don’t know always how to go about sharing it verbally and sometimes it comes out all wrong.

All the hard work I’ve done to change how I am in the marriage came into play Saturday morning when you said you couldn’t go to Selingsgrove to see Grandma. The work emergency that kept you up all night Friday still needed you. When you said you couldn’t go it was so hard for me and I was instantly reminded of my post. “Ok Denise you better live your post and appreciate your man and not start reaming him out.” I thought of Cora and how she has been sharing her need to be a grown-up in her marriage. I too haven’t always been so grown up, wanting you to do my bidding, like a child. So I said “Okay. I’m going by myself, with Miranda and Stephen. I‘ve gotta see my brother” and got into Cape Cod mom-mode and drove the three hours on the highways with little sleep to Grandma’s house. (Uncle Dave was truly surprised that I even did it, he said.) I thought of how I can really be more than I sometimes think I can. I kept telling myself to Let it Go. Let it Be. I started to transform as I said the words and I did it and enjoyed my time with family and just let it be without trying to control every aspect. We can be the architect of our passions and our lives by getting clear about our vision, letting go of what it will look like, and taking action. Along the way the sweetest hugs and kisses are there waiting for us.

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Max Said


What you say is powerful, inspiring and wise, my love. I know it seems that writing this blog dialogue seems like a small thing and it is not always clear where it is going, but it forces me to take the time to step back and process things. I just won’t get to doing this without some form of discipline to keep me on track. I know I have been negligent recently, and I think this has been a mistake – yeah, I know things have been crazy and it has just seemed impossible, but I see the benefit to both of us in just moving forward one blog at a time.

I read some little silly quip tacked on to the end of someone’s e-mail that said, “The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea.” This really pissed me off. I have long suspected that the pressure to work more and more is part of the plot to keep the people complacent and separated. If we spend all of our time at work, we do not have any time or energy to really step back and consider why we are spending all of our time at work, who is really benefitting from our labor, and why we are not really moving anywhere in our lives. I bring this up because it has been kind of true for me over the last couple of weeks. With the extra work put into dealing with an extended crisis at work, I was left feeling drained and constantly feeling like I needed to do more work, that I was not getting it done, etc. And not taking even the small amount time out to step back and write this blog, which seems trivial, took a toll.

The other drawback to not having the time to reflect is that it makes the first step in your three step plan for being the architects of our own passions very hard. Without clarity on our vision, it’s very hard to take the next steps. That clarity can only come from finding quiet time to look within. I guess it’s important to still take some steps in the general direction of where you feel lead to go, and that’s where letting go of how you think it should look comes in to play, but it does make it harder to not have the space to get in touch with your inner guidance system.

Also, working on our relationship takes time and energy. It is time and energy that I very much want to spend with you, or doing things for you. It makes me frustrated and sad when I come up empty at the end of a particularly stressful work week.

Hmm, I guess this blog entry is basically turning into a gripe session :) Not really what I had intended.

What I do know is that I am truly grateful for you my darling wife, best friend, soul-mate, miraculous mother of our children, lover, playmate and all around favorite person in the whole world! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are.