On Being an Only Child

Max Said

We went to a baby shower for Amirah today, the latest baby addition on the Goodale side who came into the world a little on the early side. It was a small family gathering with a few additional close friends. Andy, the father, was also an only child and hearing him talk about the importance of family to him and how grateful he was to have been accepted into the Goodale clan got me to thinking about my own only-childhood.

It is indeed a bit of a lonely path being an only child. There are limits to how far a parent can fill the non-stop play needs of a young child. My mom certainly was, and still is with Stephen, one of the most accommodating and patient playmates one could imagine. But nonetheless a sibling connection is something completely different. Here is another person who can completely relate to all the same things you do and who is close enough to your age level to get into the same things you do. Especially for our family where we have created a loving and nurturing place for our kids to be happy together with sleep-sharing and just general emotional wholeness. Our kids genuinely love each other and enthusiastically relate with real interest for the others well-being. I believe school, with its emphasis on age segregation, can weaken these sibling bonds, but that’s another topic.

So not having that sibling connection as a young boy has I think left me with a certain paradoxical tendency to crave human connection, and yet also at the same to fear it. The little boy that found solace taking lengthy showers and escaping into his own little world there still sometimes comes out and keeps me in my comfort zone of isolating.

Seeing how our children relate and interact with each other makes me very happy that we did not stop with one. While each of them needs time to themselves and their own space at time, as a rule, they seek each other out for company and connection. I think this is a much healthier default way of being – to find solace, joy and happiness in connecting with another human being. The well-developed and happy sibling relationship provides the perfect proving ground for figuring out how to relate in a healthy way. It is a safe place to try things out. Often the kids’ play involves role-playing, acting out different scenarios. I think this is part of the process of practicing different kinds of human interaction as well.

Anyway, the main connection that I am coming away here for today is that my being an only child is a possible root cause for my reluctance to reach out and connect. I have never had a large group of friends. Basically, I was more or less alone with occasional play dates and one good friend that I can remember, John Thompson, until I met Fred who became a surrogate brother from 13 until 18 when I met you. From there forward, you have been my best friend.

Not sure where to go with this realization, but somehow it sheds light into my soul and makes this part of me a bit less mysterious. I am extremely grateful for my deep connection to you – our relationship has the history that makes it feel like you are the sister I never had.

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Denise Said

Let me catch my breath. I didn’t see that coming and it went directly to my heart and I am crying. A sister. You know what that means to me I am sure. Raising loving, kind children - two sisters and a brother - and watching them interact on a daily basis, and caring for them on a daily basis, has practically been my life for the past 17 years and to compare our children’s relationship as siblings to ourselves means the world to me. I take great pride in my role as mother and the choices I’ve made regarding attachment parenting. To be put into the role as a sister for a few moments given the high value I place on child-rearing is stunningly beautiful and loving. Thank you.

As we read daily about Gretchen and Jon’s struggle this past week with Gretchen’s serious illness and hospital stay, I felt there was an element of brotherly and sisterly love hovering over them as Jon never left the hospital. Sure they were acting like spouses too, yet to be so deeply connected to someone and to care for them feels more like kin.

I’m happy we decided to have more than one child too. Two women years ago warned me to not have just one, it was too lonely they both told me. There were days after we had two kids, and then three kids, that I had my doubts that this might just be the hardest thing a person ever had to do, but those doubts were short lived as watched our children dance (Stephen’s moves are crazy), laugh their loud belly laughs when they are sharing a sibling moment about the hamster or White Northern Beans that we don’t get at all, and sing to their heart’s content from Meet Me in St. Louis or Pirates of Penzance. These years are golden moments etched upon my heart and I cling to them not knowing when they might end.


I did like having a brother and sister to grow up with. To share a history with. Someone to get your life when you were a kid. Someone to share camaraderie with when parents fought. I think I took having siblings for granted though a little now reading your thoughts. They were just there. They just showed up one day. I love my siblings and when you called me your sister, deep feelings poured out of me from perhaps missing them because we now live far apart, and not under the same roof.


You and I have the history of siblings. I like that and am sorry I didn’t see it until now. I get to live with you as my best friend, be silly with you like a brother, and go to sleep with you every night as my husband for as long as we live –under the same roof.