Creating a Space

Max Said

Our living room and kitchen were transformed into a cozy performance space for 30 or so audience members and 10 performers today. Denise had her annual piano recital for her students. So we were host to parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. while kids ranging in age from 7 to 17 showcased their piano talents. It was a great success as the past two have also been. Somehow having everyone sardined in to our converted living spaces creates an air of intimacy and informality that strikes just the right balance for both performers and audience. Denise tends to debate the issue each year of whether we should keep the recital in our home, or find an alternate space for it. But I, for one, am convinced that having it in our home is what truly makes it work.

The recital in our living room highlighted something for me that I think is another key to our successful relationship. Denise and I excel at creating the right space for special things to happen. Well, truthfully, I think Denise is truly the expert at this, but I have learned from her and do have a pretty well tuned sensitivity for creating these spaces.

I need to spend some time defining exactly what I mean by creating a space. Of course, part of what I mean is literally arranging a physical space in a way that works for the intended purpose, the feng shui part, I suppose. We had to decide how to position the piano for the recital, Denise swapped out a piece of artwork that was the backdrop for the performers, and seating had to be arranged, etc. But there is a great deal more to considered about creating the right space. One of the reasons Denise keeps the recital in our home is because this is where the students come to take their lessons, so they are comfortable with the space and they are playing on the instrument they are used to. Having the recital in a home, as opposed to in a hall or church, takes it out of the realm of a rigidly judged performance and places it more in the realm of a supportive celebration of the students' accomplishments and progress. So the emotional and psychological elements of creating the space are to be considered. Then there is the way in which Denise teaches her students. She expects, and nurtures, her students to have a love for music. And it is the uniquely individual way that each student can relate to and express that love of music that really drives them to learn and practice. For me this is a great example of the most subtle but powerful way in which one create a space. It is holding out an empowering context which creates a positive possibility for someone to grow into.

So seeing how beautifully the space for the piano recital was created today on all of these levels made me reflect on how important this ability and skill is to our marriage and our parenting. By always being willing to work on ourselves and grow individually, we clear the relationship space of our personal baggage. By building on a foundation of absolute trust, we have created the space for a depth of intimacy that I don't think many people experience. And I think the best summary I can come up with for our parenting and teaching philosophy is that we do our best to create the space that encourages each of our children to blossom into the miraculous beings that they desire to be.

So, how does one go about creating these spaces? Well, for me, the answer is simply love. If I care deeply about someone, or something that I am doing, I am naturally empowered and drawn to creating the space which best serves that person or undertaking. Certainly there are other skills involved, like listening carefully, empathy, and listening to one's own heart, but at the core following love creates the spaces that make us thrive.

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Denise Said


Creating a space for love. Wow - very powerful, yet so simple my dear Max. I am always in awe at how you put things.

This reminds me of when we first started making the time, or creating the space, as you so nicely put it, to get away together on a regular basis. Making our relationship important and not lost in the day-to-day shuffle of our family life and our work lives is creating space for love to thrive. Love really does need space. For some reason our culture expects love and relationships to thrive all on their own, but honestly how can they? We as individual people are always evolving and changing as we grow older; learning more, changing habits, losing hair (or going gray) becoming wiser in certain ways, so it would make sense that our relationships therefore are always evolving. One easy way to nurture that evolving marriage relationship is to create a space - 10 minutes sitting over tea alone. Sometimes that's all we get in our week Max. Some weeks we'll find the space for an hour walk along the canal, or dinner in a quiet restaurant, or a racy few hours alone in hotel, or the most fulfilling - a weekend (or dare I dream week?) away with the phones turned off - and checked once in awhile for important messages.

It's been important for us to get away by ourselves for a weekend to remember "us" and to create a space where we can rekindle, remake, revisit whatever needs to be tended and nurtured. We discovered this 11 years ago, or so, when we snuck away to a hotel for a few hours. Just having those few hours to ourselves, having made the space - a sacred space in a way - made all the difference. Those few hours set a precedence - to make a space for us. It wasn't going to happen on its own. (It's lovely when it does surprisingly happen on its own once in awhile. ) When we first met we made the time to go places, take walks, talk, write to each other and surprise the other. This was creating a space. It fed us. It's brilliant actually to now have a phrase to use when I'm in need of having time with you. Creating the space for love.

Our relationship and love doesn't always need lots of time but it does need consistent time and space, even a moment in the day when I give you a look and tell you you're the best thing to ever happen to me. Or you say some quirky funny thing to make me laugh. This has all come about from years of having created time for each other. I'm not sure why this gets lost when people get married. We have much to share.