She Said
Dear Max,
We spoke this morning over breakfast about my new declarations and you suggested we discuss them in our next blog. I was planning on writing about sex, since that is always a hot topic between us and also in general - next blog entry
So I wrote these declarations to help me cope with and change my current thinking about myself, some of which does not serve me well. These are the declarations I wrote after a couple things happened this week. Earlier this week I had my soul-searching conversation with Dwight. You and I talk and process on a daily basis, however sometimes we both gain insight from speaking with those who know us well, yet aren’t in the thick of our daily life. Dwight is like an older brother to me and has the wisdom of a non-judgmental guru who mirrors back to me what he is hearing. This talk, an hour long, yet simple and heart-felt, was about the events that have been happening the past couple of months in our household and my sense at times that I’m losing my self in the “flurry of activity”, as Dwight lovingly called it, going on at this point in our lives.
A couple days later I posted something on facebook regarding a topic not pertaining to this at all and an old friend said I must be crazy. Well this hit me fast and furious and went straight to my heart - me always wanting to be perceived as knowing what I’m doing. Perhaps I was still processing Dwight’s phone call and that’s why the crazy comment affected me so. After thinking over the call with Dwight and talking more with you here are my four declarations I wrote down and sent to several friends. I kept them simple.
1. I am not crazy: I am a creative visionary and I embrace myself in that role.
2. My life is full, yes, however I love everything I am doing because I am doing it all with purpose.
3. I have to let go of the past, and more importantly what the past looked and felt like, to deeply enjoy the present.
4. Taking the time to sit and reflect each day will help me be more grounded in myself.
The first declaration basically helped me to get over myself and sort of gave me a job title –Visionary (Thank you for the word Max), however, over the past few days #3 declaration has been the one I have been pondering over more than the others which honestly surprised me. Letting go of the past to me has always been letting go of the parts of the past that I didn’t like; the parts that were painful, angry, and sad. The negative is what I’ve focused on when putting yesterdays to rest. The profound insight that came to me this week is that holding onto the happy memories, and more significantly trying to re-create those happy old days, can be just at detrimental to being happy and satisfied in the NOW. As Dwight reminded me, “NOW is all we have Denise.”
You and I have had so many sweet and wonderful times together over the past 28 years, and I especially remember our early courtship. By expecting you to always be 18 and mushy-in-love with me, writing love poems on a regular basis hindered me from fully enjoying the awesome man you’ve become. Oh I’d live in the present once in a while – when things were creatively new and then stay in my past loop trying to create that feeling again.
I was doing the same thing with other areas of my life: mothering, working, cooking, homekeeping, etc, putting unrealistic expectations on myself. For example I’d think - I really wish I had more time to read to Stephen like I did with Maddy and Miranda. I’d like to be able to cook more for fun like I used to. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to be spontaneous and go into the city for a field trip like we did when the kids were young? I used to be able to keep up with the housework. Wouldn’t be it wonderful to have sex all weekend again and during the day? I focused on yesterday’s happiness, not realizing it kept me from seeing and feeling today’s joys.
My new declarations are all connected, but #3 seems to be the golden key to unlocking a new door to my present and to finding happiness in every moment. Okay I’ll let you talk now :)
He Said
Denise,
Wow. Those are very powerful declarations and ones that I think anyone would do well to make and to follow. They are very wise words and I believe that they present a winning formula for being the fullest possible expression of one’s self.
I am going to just pick out one thread that I see in these declarations and highlight it because I think it is an important item that often gets overlooked. I believe that practicing non-judgment is a key spiritual practice and one that underlies your four powerful declarations. While it is sometimes more straightforward to think about practicing non-judgment when we apply it to others, I think it is equally, if not more, important to apply the grace of non-judgment to ourselves. Not judging others certainly releases unhelpful thoughts and energy, but doing away with the often extremely limiting judgments we make against ourselves can completely reshape our lives in a positive way.
So your making the shift from crazy to creative visionary in your self-speaking is going to make a huge positive shift in your life. There was a fair amount of self-judgment tied up in your attempting to relive your past. I know that you said the words “I feel bad” many, many times when talking about not being able to interact with Stephen in the same says that you did with his sisters. Letting go of this expectation is going to allow new and wonderful interactions to blossom in every area of your life.
Thank you for sharing your revelations with me; I know that I have learned some very valuable things from you today.
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