October 10, 2011
Dear Max,
Our long hike yesterday to the Milford Bluffs, which
overlook the Delaware, did us a world of good. We started out angry and annoyed
at each other. I said to you as you plodded 10 feet ahead of me, “Can you
pretend to be happy? And I’ll pretend to be a nice wife.” (Can I play the
peri-menopause card?)You said there was always so much on your mind. So much
that needs your attention.
I shouldn’t have started chattering first thing in the
morning about my inspirational conversation I had with someone the previous
day. Inspiring for me. Pushing buttons for you. I should have kept my mouth
shut – it was Sunday and you didn’t want to think about life-changing
directions. Oh, but out on our hike the
sun shone gloriously as we tried to find the path in the un-cleared meadow and
a deer in the distant pranced over the tall grasses, snapping us out of our
funk somehow. We enjoyed the quiet and solitude, finally holding hands and
walking together after decompressing for a while. We came back to the car
feeling like a connected couple, not a disgruntled angry pair.
I don’t think we’ve realized the stress of the past
month. I’ve been trying to keep life as normal as possible for our family.
Maybe I was wrong. Since Hurricane Irene with its mud and debris clean-up, your
mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer, whirling us into a new uncharted
storm. Two weeks later it became obvious that my grandfather was dying at close
to 101 years old. It all is what it is. Hard things happen, hard things overlap. I
heard great quotes, “Nothing is overwhelming, it just is.” Taking it one day at a time became our mantra.
Looking more than a day ahead wasn’t working in the complexity of our life.
There were days we ping-ponged between our emotional mothers, taking deep
breaths ourselves to move on to needed to happen next that day.
Granddad died Sept 25th, the last of our
grandparents. I won’t lie that there weren’t moments of frustration and upset
the past month. You kept your calm about you. I’m not sure how you do/did that.
The balance I need. The balance we have created together. I love you as
we continue on this journey your mom has to make. We’ll get through to the
other side, still holding hands.
Xo-denise
He Said:
Denise,
It is one of the greatest comforts of having a happy marriage and a functional relationship to have you by my side when we are faced with challenges like the ones that have been coming at us this past month. I appreciate that you do not let us stay annoyed at each other for very long, even if the in the moment I am resistant and ornery at times…
I guess all these events have been putting the Big Switch to the test for me. At the core of that shift and revelation was the joy that emanates from our relationship. Just knowing that you are there for me no matter what and constant and unconditional in your love for me is what gives me the ability to stay steady and calm through the storms.
I am glad that I wrote a line about always holding hands into our wedding vows!
XOXO - Max
